the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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