LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
