so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
