Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
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