I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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