Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
