Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
