i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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