2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
