I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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