i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
