Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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