in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
