I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
