Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
