I'm so fucking centered right now
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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