Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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