I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
