My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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