you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
