I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
