someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
