My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
