My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
