Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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