Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
