She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
