he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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