??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And then he peed in my hair
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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