Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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