I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
