im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
