someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
