I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
