non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
