My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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