birth control should be required to get into college
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
