Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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