I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
