I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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