I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
