I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
