I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
