I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
