four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
