I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
