I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
