I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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