found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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