i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
